When the leaves fall, dont we all.
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be”—The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I wander a lot. I find myself walking in whatever direction the wind blows, no destination really, no point. I do this often, I do this as a coping mechanism I assume? I do it to work through ideas, through thoughts, through dreams that stick in my head from strange nights. I use the mobility to work through the muddle. I do this for fun? I do this because, I am not really sure. But I always do. I think these walks enable me to see things in a different light, they allow me to organize my mental space, they assist me somehow. Sometimes I am more confused after, than I was before. But sometimes that lack of clarity is necessary for the imagination, isn’t it?
Sometimes I walk my bike, as if its a dog. What is that? It rolls, it has two wheels, it moves at a rapid pace, and I choose to walk it instead of ride it. I think that speaks for the way I move through my life.
I came to this conclusion on a walk. Ironic. But true. I mean everything is within walking distance….if you have the time, right?
I have all the time in the world.
I am always moving, I move through friends, I move through circles, I move through hobbies, I move through jobs, I move from towns, I move from countries. I don’t do it in quick swift instances, I don’t do it to escape, I don’t do it to hide, I just gradually move through moments. Inevitably them come. It’s like my entire life has been riddled with A.D.D. I can’t help but move. I sometimes worry that if I stand still for too long, that my creativity will dissolve, that my imagination will stutter and my dreams won’t be dreams anymore. I worry that if I stay in one place for too long, I’ll lose what it is that has made me who I am.
Some people understand this, some people don’t. The ones that stay, the ones that try to understand. I am lucky for them. They keep me sane, they keep me mobile. The ones that leave, the ones that don’t want to understand those are the ones that keep me from moving to quickly.
I think at an earlier point in my life everything was laid out for me. I did it. I did it too myself. I laid everything out perfectly. I had the education, the jobs, the extended education, the knowledge, the experience, the right group of friends, the acceptable behavior, the right wardrobe. But I didn’t have the mentality. I didn’t have the drive for the purpose. I didn’t have the drive for the path. I tried. I wanted it too fit. I mean I set it up that way. But it didn’t fit. Not at all.
And now I am happy. There is no challenge, there is no right, there is no wrong. There are only options, and more than I can imagine. I live life from one day to the next. And sometimes its scary as fuck. Because there is no Plan B…..when there is never a Plan A. So I keep moving, and I keep creating….these options. These silly things I come up with in my mind, ideas from books, ideas from pictures, ideas from thin air, ideas from my mental dreams. And none of it really makes sense, but it does. Because inevitably the best stories told, are the unexpected ones. The ones that surprise you. So I guess I keep moving, because I need to keep thinking. I need to keep working through all these words flying through my mind, all these colors, all these rhythms. They keep moving, steadily, and if I stop moving …….then I fuck up the entire process thats going on up there. So there you go.
One day, I’ll find a place, that stops me in my footsteps. I breath it in, I’ll paint it, I’ll write about it, I’ll tell stories about it, I’ll photograph it and I’ll let it embrace me. But at some point I will walk away from it. Because to stay would only undermine its meaning. Because at some point it would become the norm. At some point it would become, just a place. At some point I would take it for granted. But places like that, they stay close to your heart. You may leave the place, but you always return. You always come home. And when you do……you take long walks.
I think too much. About nothing really.
I dunno maybe I need to pick up roller derby, or bike polo.