Sometimes I walk with no particular destination in mind, I just do it to clear my head, to think about the dreams I had the night before, and what they could have possibly meant. I do it often, actually, daily. I make up reasons, and errands so that I have a reason to. Today on one of those walks I thought about mediocrity. I thought about the amount of settling we expect from ourselves in order to makes ends meat, in order to feel secure, in order to hold down anything really.
I heard this story today, of this man, who came to the self realization that the dream he’d been chasing for 35 years didn’t belong to him. And as much as he wanted it to, as much as he thought that dream defined him, he felt he didn’t have the power to carry it out. He felt he didn’t have the direction for such a dream. It made me cry, because honestly dreams aren’t meant to test your abilities….they are meant to challenge them. If dreams were simple and easily interpreted and easy to carry out, we’d all be living in our own private utopias.
I felt sad for the man, because he was giving up on the one thing he’d always believed in. He was doubting himself.
I expect others to doubt me, I expect others to questions my motives, and moves. But I don’t expect myself to ever give up on the things that only I can see in my mind, and in my heart. There are dreams that I still remember to this day, from 16 years ago. Dreams that defined me, dreams that changed my life, dreams that changed my perspective, dreams that gave me the strength to try things I never thought I had the right to. Once you convince yourself that those dreams have no power in your life, you lose everything. You lose your identity, you lose your subjective thought, you lose your rights……you give up on the idea of fate.
That’s what this man had done. And honestly I am not sure he can go back. But I am still here, and I still believe in the ridiculous notions of my mind. I believe in the right to fight for the ideal, to search for the fireworks, to plan the grand finale, to write my own plot, and carefully choose my own protagonists.
Life isn’t meant to be this structured archival development that we have turned it into. We aren’t meant to carefully record every decision, and every mistake we make. We are human, tangible, and translucent at times. We aren’t meant to be perfect, we aren’t mean to always be rational. Some of the most brilliants inspirational characters of our history, were absolutely mad. In their time they were nothing more than vibrant dreamers. And now we stand them up on a pedestool as avant garde, experimental, inspirational leaders of our time. We aren’t as complicated as we make ourselves out to be, we are all a little mad. Most of us just hide it better than others.
We were born to dream, that’s why we were given imagination. We were meant to create, we weren’t meant to copy. But so many of us do, and so many of us give up on the things that make us original, because rejection is so fucking hard to deal with. But it’s not, rejection is humbling. It’s eye opening, it keeps us on our toes.
Not every interpretation of our imagination is going to be accepted, but it will be individual.
So we have to work through it, we have to re-train ourselves over, and over to not fear the unknown. We have to be able to remember our dreams proudly, and write them down and speak them into spoken word.
If we all just sleep, when our eyes are closed…..then we are wasting away the one unseen gift that we have all been granted.
And if we are lucky enough to remember our dreams, and we hide them from others and even worse ourselves…then we become fools. And a world full of fools, is nothing more than a starless sky. Empty, boring, and vastly shallow.
Don’t let others write your story, write it down. However ridiculous it may sound, however ridiculous it may be. It still belongs to you. If I live a long long healthy life, and have nothing but stories, and ridiculous dreams to share in the end……I’ll be OK with that. But if come to be on my death bed, and all left to be said about me is that I was a kind, rational, abiding woman…..I’d die a liar, and a fake.
Accept my ideas, accept my dreams….or don’t. Either way I’ll still keep putting them out there.