What changed? And why?
I learned to skydive, I read two books that helped me let go of my past, and I finally felt emotion in a way I never thought I was capable of.
Let me explain.
I never saw myself in dreams as an old lady. I never pictured myself with the handsome husband, and beautiful children in the white picket fenced house. I never dreamt of that life. I always wondered if it was a sign of a fleeting opportunity to a short window of time in this place I found myself. I figured we all had routes meant for us, and mine was to be a muse. Mine was to use what talent I had showing what the world has to offer. Never settling down, constantly in motion, and documenting every moment of it to show others so that they to could see that nothing in this life is untouchable……if you want it badly enough.
I have always been vivid dreamer. Always dreaming of vividly creative wild worlds, and scenarios. Most of my dreams have been nightmares, or stories with no happy ending, or tales of lingering fear. But the past two months have brought a whole new meaning to fear. They have all had one unmasked element.
Truth about fleeting time.
Truth about facing death.
Truth about living a life on a clock.
I chose to learn to fly. I chose to skydive. I chose to put myself in the path of danger, and it’s haunted me non-stop for the past two months. At times I have asked myself if this is what I truly need to do to make myself happy. If jumping out of a plane is the answer. If this sport is defining who I was meant to be. Because my whole life was based around movement, around flight, around freedom. And this has been the nearest activity to make me feel that alive. But why the dreams, why the added fear? Where did my confidence go? Fear has been something that has always haunted me in my dreams, but my reality has always been pretty open to the extremes. But now? Why now?
I have dreamt every night since I began skydiving of canopy malfunctions, and bad landings and engine problems. I have manifested the worst, and I haven’t even given myself a moment to breathe.
I am not going to lie, the sport……It’s scary. It’s an entire self movement. You face yourself, you become your worst critic. You doubt your ability. You doubt your equipment. You doubt the rationality of the entire process. But you push forward because there is nothing more beautiful than free fall, and movement under a beautiful square canopy.
That’s the thing, that’s why I keep jumping….because no matter the amount of fear I find ‘thinking’ about the sport, I feel nothing but absolute relief when I fall. I have never felt more beautiful, and clearly defined than when I am in free fall. And that is all I need to keep going.
These past two months have been the best therapy I could have ever spent my savings on. I’m a bit crazy, aren’t we all? I had a problem opening up, I had a problem letting go, I had a problem with believing in myself.
But those problems are slowly fading from my life. That is what facing your biggest fear does to a soul. Every time I sit in that plane, and travel up 13,000 ft waiting for the green light…..I am battling something much heavier in my heart than in my harness. And I think this part of the process will always be vital to any skydiver’s career.
You get to humble yourself there, you get to leave behind the trivial matters that bogle you on the ground. For a moment you get to feel absolute groundlessness from this life, and you learn to be absolutely “present”. In those 20 minutes you have no choice but to be exactly where you are.
That is what I needed. I needed that lesson. At almost 30 years old, I have lived a life of too many questions. I have analyzed all things, I have pushed away love, I have pushed away commitment, I have pushed away fear. I have taken no free moment to get completely lost in a moment. I have gone over a million things in my head, I have always been traveling in 20 directions at once.
But I can’t do that here. Here I have no way to travel but down. I have nothing to think about here, I only have time to react. I have fallen madly in love with an idea, I have committed myself to saving my own life, and I have faced my ultimate fear. I can allow it test me, but I can not allow it to overtake me any longer.
And that my friends, is how my life changed in two months. Well that and the bangs.
I don’t know where this will take me, and I don’t know ultimately if it will in fact ‘take me’. But I know that I love it. For once in my life that word doesn’t frighten me, for once I can say with conviction that I have finally allowed myself to fall. And that is beautiful, and I can not run away this time. I’d never forgive myself if I did. So this is me now. And I hope that this sport shows me a long, healthy, beautiful perspective on this world. I am now just along for the ride, wherever it may take me. I feel like this is my story now, and I am just going to enjoy it for what it is.