This year, like the ones preceding it, and the ones that will follow it, has been ever changing. I am not who I was one year ago, and I will not be the same person I am now, in the next. But this year, nonetheless, has been expressive.
I think a lot of things transposed for me in the past three years. And this year was the apex of that change. I really began to see who I was, and what I was capable of, and what I could make an effect on. I did have a strong attachment to my identity beforehand, but I think that identity was created more for face, than for value. I think that for so long in my life I was lost. And not in the definition that we are pushed to believe the word symbolizes. But in the sense that my life was created on mixed principles that were not really chosen by me. Principles that were chosen by the environment that I grew up in, and the societal tale I had been bewitched by. My perception of the world around me, was limited to the views and ideals that were pushed on me from an early age.
I always had a thirst for adventure, for learning, for art, for music, and for love. But I wasn’t really capable of understanding what that thirst meant. In hindsight I realize, I was waiting for something to materialize that would explain why I hungered for certain things, and not for others. So I pushed aside, what I did not truly understand. I pushed aside the things that truly resonated with me, because I felt they were to be insignificant in the long run. I focused on good grades. I got the full scholarship to University. I got two degrees. I got the big girl job. But none of it compelled me. It was all so redundant. It was all so mundane, and predetermined.
It took me working years to get everything I thought I wanted. Working in jobs that pushed me along the great societal path. Jobs that would be headliners for a corporate resume. And jobs that were supposed to define me, but that actually robbed me of my own authenticity, and drive.
I took having all of that……and giving it all away in just a moment, to realize that I had been mistaken all along. These ‘bigger’ things were much smaller than I had ever realized.
I always knew that there was something I needed to do in those lost years. So quickly I began to search for it in every corner, in every continent, in every person I met, in every experience I had. I had no idea what I was looking for. But I knew that I hadn’t found it in the things I had worked so hard for before.
So I knew somehow I would find it in the things that I had always craved.
It was passion. Passion had always been a part of my life. It was in everything I did. Even in the things I did not love. I expelled it in any work I involved myself in. And I didn’t realize that the thing I was searching for, wasn’t a tangible thing at all. And that it had always had a foot in my life. It had always been within me, and exuded from me, in every action I took. It was a fuel. It was a feeling that would push me to the limits. It was something that I had tried to suppress for so long, but I was finally ready to release it.
I finally let it conquer me. I let it into every part of my being. I was proud to wear it. I was proud to display it, and I was proud to be it’s shell.
And here I am 29, and giving up everything I own. Everything I have collected over the years, or invested in. Selling all my belongings, giving away my favorite books. Selling my car last year, and now giving up the only space that has ever felt like home.
These things that used to define me, that felt so real and so comforting. I felt like I needed them. But I am finally in a space, where I realize they are just things. I have no attachment to them, they come and go from my life now so easily. And I find such simple beauty in that. How wonderful to lose your attachment…to things.
So I am becoming lighter and lighter with every new day. And soon I will start a new journey. I am not even sure of what that journey is, but I know in my heart that it is one that will change my story infinitely.
And the only thing I can find liable for this change, is passion. I became who the world told me to become for the first 23 years of my life, and it has taken me almost 7 years to rewire and transform every part of my being into expressive and prevalent authenticity. I will no longer play victim in my own life story. From now on I am aware. I am completely and fully responsible for the way I carry out my path. And in the way I communicate, and love, and create. I am not in charge of everything, but I do take on full ownership of who I am.
I know that a part of me, was always there. It couldn’t help but to be there. We are who we are, no matter what. But it was hiding, I hid it. Because I was conditioned to believe that we can not be ruled by emotion.
But that without a doubt is the most direct deceit we have ever taught ourselves. The most beautiful things we will experience in this life, will not be things. They will be intangible movements that create electric pulses in our hearts, and our minds. They will be everlasting impressions that push us to change the world, and to change one another’s lives. Emotions do not have to be irrational elements of our lives, they can be beautiful truths that lead us to great perception about the world around us. They can give us insight, inspiration, sympathy, and compassion.
I do not know why this year compared to others…was the Rubicon. Or why this year over the others has become such a powerful medium. But I do know that the slate has been wiped clean. I have nothing holding me back, I have nothing to hold onto, and I have nothing to rely on. All I have is my blind faith in the universe, and the fact that it has led me here for some purpose. There are no safeties, or guarantees or back up plans. I am acting on complete and gracious conviction.
I no longer carry any resentment for my past, my childhood, my pigeon holds, or my heart aches. I have found peace with each, and every experience. I have somehow managed to find beauty in even the darkest places, and found perfection in the most imperfect people in my story. I no longer feel like a victim in even my worst experiences, and I wish no ill will towards any that may have wished ill will on me.
I believe that, that final recognition of insecurity……was the final gap that aided me in becoming the lightest version of myself. I had to let go….of everything. I had to be ok, with just being ok sometimes. I had to let go of doubt, and give in to chance.
I have no idea what will happen from this moment forward, but there is something so sublimely light and freeing about that. And there is something also so intimidating about it. I do not have all the answers, I do not claim to. But I do know that sometimes intimidation is good. And I know that unlike any other time in my life, something is telling me to take the fall. To go with it, and see where I am led. And I am in it, no matter the outcome.
I am no longer going to be any lesser version of myself, in order to accommodate the unaccommodatable. I am not who I always will be, and I am no longer who I was. I am only one person, with one tale. I have no idea what the plot is, and who the life changing characters are going to be that rock my world, or the climax, or the crux, or how any of it could possibly end up. But I am not going to let my fear of the unknown intimidate me from having this experience.
This is my story now.