It’s raining today. It’s cold out. And I am sitting here inside, safe from the wetness that seems to be inhabiting everything outside my window. But I do not feel lucky, I feel comfortable. The rain is cleansing, everything it touches has a chance to begin again. I find it beautiful. Maybe I should be dancing in the rain outside, instead of talking to myself inside, and punching letters on my computer.
I think I fall in love every time it rains. I fall in love with the way things have been, and the ways things may be.
I fall in love with the idea of what love can mean. I run through the definitions in my head that seem the most fitting for the current moment. I battle with myself on my beliefs about it, and what it truly means in all forms.
I still do not truly know. It is such a personal and subjective journey for each and everyone of us that breaths life into it, that there is no way to truly define it.
It has been a difficult couple of weeks. My mind has been wandering. Words do not find me well all the time, but that does not stop my emotions from overtaking my projections. I haven’t felt myself in some moments, and I haven’t felt comfortable in my own manner.
I look for answers in things that have happened that have changed my direction or flow. And I try to analyze what exactly they could have meant to me in that moment, and what they mean to me in this moment.
I think that the earthquakes in Nepal still have me rattled. I think the pressure I have been putting on myself for certain answers also has something to do with it. I have been traveling for almost a year now, and I miss home. As we do.
But I think more than anything…..today I feel at peace. I feel cleansed. I feel content. It is nice to have days where the sky cries down on everything. No one person or no one thing is left untouched by the mood of mother nature. She reaches down, and has a way of effecting daily routine, and creating a mood for everyone to settle under.
These kinds of days are necessary for the ones who wander, for the ones that lose themselves in movement, for the ones that move so quickly that sometimes they lose sight of thought. These days are necessary for….us.
So today for the first time since I left base-camp at Annapurna, I have been able to write clearly. My journal pages have been left empty for weeks now, with no thoughtful insight or message. But now I have given myself enough time to string together letters and words to create sentences that may or may not be relatable to ….you.
And I think it is because of the rain. Maybe today I am a cliche, as I sit nestled on the couch, listening to piano keys and roof top rain drops. But I am comfortable with that.
I am just happy that for the first time in the last couple of weeks, I feel like I can breath again. And I know we have all felt that feeling of loss. Where our breath seems trapped somewhere deep within. Where our words are jumbled, and we are irritated for no reason other than the fact that we feel we cannot get back to the place of comfort that we lounged in for weeks, months or years past. But we have all been here. Where something just isn’t as we think it should be. Where the small things seem large, and the large things seem infinite.
So here is to cleansing, and comfort. And also to restriction and discomfort. And to the sunny days as well as the rainy.
We are not the only ones dealing with the aches of our actions, and positions. Mother Nature is right there with us.
Today is her day.
Let it all our lady.
No need to hide.