Sometimes I feel this strange need to apologize for my imperfections. Feeling this since of guilt for having shared them with the world, and guilt for others having to have witnessed my imperfect moments. But that feeling is contradictory to the human experience. I am flawed, and imperfect….and apologizing for that….is like apologizing for my own humanity.
I catch myself many times a day judging myself for shallow, skin deep imperfections. Gray hairs, cellulite, gangly toenails, bushy eyebrows, and soft skin. These are part of life, part of the experience, part of aging, part of being a woman, part of living an adventurous life. Sometimes things are not perfectly in place, most time things are not perfectly in place. Of course I do my best….to be my best, but loathing myself for things that I cannot change or things that challenge me, is just unnecessary torture.
And in those moments I forget about the power I hold within. The power I possess. And I think we all do that. We all forget the larger picture, we forget the grand gestures, and the beauty in our movement, and our mobility through lessons and experiences.
Over the years I have learned to accept myself in totality, but then again I still find myself staring into the mirror too long some days, or other days looking at photos of myself and thinking….ughhh gross.
These thoughts are normal but unnecessary. They are wastes of energy, and misguided attention. There are to many details and complexities to each and every one of us, to get caught up in the small details. We have a tendency to make the small things, into gigantic fixtures in stories that we create in our minds of how flawed we are.
I had this thought last night when a friend sent me two photos from our surf session that afternoon.
Each photo is me. No version of myself is better in one or the other. I am still in reality, the same exact person….from one frame to the next.
My first thought when I saw the second photo…..was omg please for the love of god do not post that or show anyone. I will kill you! But then I realized, why was I so embarrassed of a photo? It was me, Right? Just because it wasn’t flattering didn’t mean that I was a sea creature, right? I guess you can decide. But the fact that my immediate thought was to hide from it, and hide it from others….made me decide I’d share it. Because in reality I am both. And so are you. And so is everyone else.
This fight to be perfect…..is a lie. No one is perfect all the time. And believe me if you think they are, they just aren’t sharing their sea creature selves with you.
So never doubt yourself. Never crave someone else’s life, or legs, or hair, or eyes, or butt, or talents. Because we are all just trying to get by the best we can. We are all trying to be our best, perform at our best, look our best, and live our best. And imperfections….they will come. They are always there. But the moment you become best friends with your ego, and you stop fighting it….is the moment you can gain freedom from self judgement.