“It’s early. It’s raining. I feel alive.”
There is a piano playing in the corner of my room, my door is open and the rain is slowly seeping in. As I write this I can see the tree branches dancing back and forth in front of me. I rose some time ago, but I am certain that the sun will not for quite some time. It’s a bit dark. But I like it. It’s comforting. I actually feel as if the day is turned inside out, because it just seems to be growing darker, and darker by the minute. But I do not mind it. I welcome it in fully. This weather makes me feel so many things. It makes me feel cleansed. It makes me feel warm. It makes me feel a bit sad. And it makes me feel open.
This week this idea came to me, about sadness, and what it truly means. For the last couple of months while I have been having the most beautiful opportunities come forth, and have been spending such precious quality time with the ones I love, I have felt sadness. At first this bothered me tremendously. I tried to figure out the source of sadness. And the more I tried to absolve it, the more it began to surface. In the middle of beautiful moments, it would sweep over me and steal lightness from me. I felt cheated.
Ever since I was a little girl, there was this darkness that lived within me. They say you are a product of your environment, but I believe you are a product of your thought. And If allowed to become who my thoughts were in those dark times, I would be a very different version of the woman that stands here today. I have learned to harness my thoughts, but being a creative and pensive being…I am vulnerable to the exterior world much more than I would like to admit.
For most of my life I have worn a genuine smile, I dance carelessly, and I am very light. But there are moments that I feel sadness, and I am not quite sure why. And I ask myself. “Why am I sad, what is wrong with me?” But maybe that is the problem.
I ask too many questions. I think too much. Instead of just accepting the emotion as a moving thought that dances in and out of my mind, I feel sometimes that it will be with me forever. And that I will be held captive to these dark thoughts.
It is not to say that I am always sad. But I have the ability to be sad at any given moment. There are things in life that are sad, there are things that have happened to me that are sad, there are things happening to people I love that are sad, and there are things happening in the world that are sad. So why would I be surprised that at times, I feel that sadness deep within me.
It is part of the human experience to explore this emotion. And it’s a truly beautiful, and vulnerable one to explore.
“We live in a society where a high value is placed on being positive. Yet sometimes this simply isn’t possible, and people find themselves facing temporary or long-term sadness. Just telling yourself to “be positive” isn’t much help, because moods can have a life of their own. One of the pitfalls of positivity is that people tend to fantasize about a perfect life instead of realistically facing the fact that no life is perfect.”
Sadness does not have to be this debilitating cloak that suffocates our lightness. It can be this very beautiful dark, and pensive place where we grow. It can be like this room during a thunder storm. The rain outside scares many, but we can dance in it, and we can find lightness in the darkest of storms. We can learn to enjoy the coolness of the wet rain drops as they strike our skin, and feel so alive as the wind pushes against us telling us to go back inside.
I like the sound of Thunder as it ushers me to shelter.
These storms that live within us, are just as beautiful as the clear skies that adopt us on bright days. Life wouldn’t be what it is without rain. Rain cleanses everything. We hide from it so much so, that we do not know how to live hand and hand with it. And maybe it’s just yelling out for us to acknowledge, and appreciate it. Just as sadness does. For it didn’t get to choose what it became. It just excepted its fate as best it knew how.
So we have this beautiful opportunity to dance in the rain, and also warm ourselves to the sun. We do not have to choose which to be or which to portray. We just have to recognize, and acknowledge each as they knock at our doors. We are three dimensional beings. But we try to shave those dimensions off, in order to simplify our existence. But that is the problem, we must embrace all dimensions, even the dark ones, for there is true beauty in them. And we are not simple. We are not meant to be. Without all of those dimensions, we lose a bit of our luster.
So do not be afraid to dance in the rain, do not be afraid to cry, do not be afraid to walk alone, do not be afraid to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. But also be free, be light, and let that weight down from time to time in order to bask in the beautifully vibrant orange glow of the sun.
You are a beautiful being just the way you are. And all those dark moments that visit you when the rain falls, you are not alone in their possession. We are all beside you, surviving our own storms. Know that even when you feel you are the most alone, you are infinitely part of something so intricate and beautiful….that the entire system would fail without you.
So let is rain. Let it pour.
How I have missed you.
In your absence I grew dry,
Of being so cheerful,
Now that you are here with me,
We can run hand and hand,
through the storm.
And I know that when my cheeks grow wet,
You will not question where the tears came from.
For you helped me create something,
So beautiful and pure.
That when you leave me again,
I will be new.
Thank you dear friend.
For being something that comforts,
and scares the living shit out of me.”
Love, your little gypsy.