Dream State. Day 3/30

In moments my mind transitions between fiction and non. Strangers become lovers, and lovers become strangers. Anything can change the direction. A thought, a smell, a sound, a vision. But vision scales from rosy, to frightening depending on the plot.  And the world is a bit smaller or larger depending on my mood in that certain thought, or ponder. The story turns from romance to horror in that matter of moments, then onto drama or sci-fi.

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I was running down the beach, basking in the sunlight and feel the sand beneath my toes. I could feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I could smell the salt from the sea. I felt warm. Quickly it grew dark, and snow began began to fall. My gaze slowly travelled down towards my feet. The land shifted from sand to forrest. I watched as my shoes disappeared from my feet, and slowly everything else that clothed my body slowly dissolved from me. I quickly looked up, trying to catch my bearings.

I was standing naked in the center of this strange, but familiar patch of trees. I felt someone looking at me. I felt a familiar touch to the back of my neck, and kisses that had always comforted me. I closed my eyes and began to breath heavily. I waited for a familiar touch. But that too passed. I opened my eyes and saw my fourth grade teacher, Ms. Callison, standing there alongside my classmates in the middle of the forrest with her eyes on me. I turned my head to catch site of my lover that had just kissed me, but he was no longer there. I was alone, and naked. My fourth grade classmates were standing behind my adorned teacher as she peered on towards me with a puzzled look . I could see their laughter, but I could not hear it. Everything was silent except for my breath, and the sound of my heart beating nervously in my chest. I felt so embarrassed. I was a 31 year old woman, but I immediately felt the embarrassment of a nervous 9 year old. My teacher’s eyes looked on at me with disappointment. I felt nervous, and a bit self-conscious. I hated that she saw me that way, that they all saw me this way.

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I closed my eyes to push away the shame, and tears began to fall down my cheeks. The silence of the forrest changed as thunder boomed in the distance.

I opened my eyes to face a rain storm. Except I was no longer standing in the middle of the forrest. I was in my runners, fully clothed running down the old street that I lived on during my college years, and I was running in the middle of a downpour. My breath was heavy, and the sky was full of light and sound. I ran until my heart fatigued. I stood there in the middle of the street. I listened to my breath, and watched as it expelled from my mouth. As my eyes wandered towards the sky, and blinked through the raindrops. I noticed that it was a hue of purple I had never seen before. Purple is my favorite color.

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I looked around with a knowing suspicion that all these homes were empty. No one lived here anymore. No one lived here at all. I realized I was in a memory that I had created and altered. I knew my mind was wandering, but I didn’t care. The sky was so lovely. I lay down in the middle of the street, staring up at the night sky. I spread my arms out wide alongside me, and let my legs fall where they may. I felt so connected to the ground beneath me. It was beautiful.

I remember thinking, “I wish all nights looked just like this one.”

I felt safe there, I knew nothing could or would hurt me.

The sky began to fall all around me. Light streaks from the stars, shot in all directions. It was as if every shooting star I had ever seen in my life, revisited me in this one moment.

I began to close my eyes to make all the wishes that had never come true.

As I lay there thinking of everything that I wanted, and everything that I didn’t, someone laid down beside me and pulled my hand into theirs. We laid there in the darkness, hand in hand.

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It was nice to not be alone in that moment. I am not sure whose hand it was. But I have an idea.

So there we were in the darkness.

Stuck in middle of mare, dream, and reality.

And it was peaceful.

And to tell you the truth, I do not remember ever waking up.

 

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