Today I retreat. Day 19/30.


It’s one of those days. One of those days where you wake up, and you stretch your arms overhead, and your toes curl up at the end of the bed. Your yawn is long, and your chest rises and falls much slower. One of those days where there are really no words, and the words that come ….are short.

You take your time getting out of bed, you slowly slip into your morning clothes which never really match or fit anymore. You take time walking to the door to open it. You walk slowly to the bathroom, you stand in front of the mirror first, staring at yourself. You touch your stomach, you don’t feel your best this morning. Kind of dreary for the first thirty seconds, you begin to realize you are still staring at yourself, and then you remember there is a tooth brush in your hand. You do what you remember is expected each morning, and you begin to brush your teeth.

It takes much longer today than other days. You fill your mouth with water to wash it all away, but you still feel cotton behind your teeth.

You are moving slowly, but time is not. It’s time to work. But it’s the last thing you have in mind. Your already ready to go back to your bed. Ready to stare out the window, ready to listen to music, and fall asleep holding someone close ….or pulling all the pillows around you to feel close to something.

But instead you walk into a fluorescent room, the lights blinding you. Everything seems so bright when you are tired. The sounds, the smells…..all overwhelming….and the voices.

Everyone expects you to have something witty and upbeat to say, but really you just want to retreat. For no other reason than to be. You know this day is no different than the last, but it is. You are different today.

You aren’t funny, you aren’t witty, you aren’t clever, you aren’t anything but a shell today. Wanting so badly to retreat back into yourself.

I think at times we need those days. Those days to spend with ourselves. Those days we spend holding onto ourselves between the sheets. Falling asleep and day dreaming, listening to the sound of our own breath, and our own heart beat. Everything begins to fade away, and everything within begins to clear.

I can find clarity here, alone. Separated from the world behind one wall. But when expected to participate in the daily festivities of my own life I retreat in my own way. I hide behind my own silence, behind music, behind slow steps. I listen to my breath as I fade out the audience, I listen to my own heart race with anticipation to escape…if even for a moment.

I make my way through the day, and I fall back into bed so heavily that my sleep traps me in another space. A space of peace.

And at some point I wake again to an alarm that hits the refresh button, and I do it all over again.

But tomorrow, tomorrow is a different day. Tomorrow I will break the silence.

But today, today I retreat.


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