Everyday Reminds Me Of Yesterday. Day 30.30

I thought I saw you standing there today. There was snow outside, and a man was walking away from the door. He reminded me of you. Later when I saw him again he smiled at me, and I swear it was you staring back into my eyes. But he kept walking by so I knew it was not you. I stood there for many moments watching him walk away. And my heart broke because I saw you leaving without saying goodbye. And I remembered when you did walk away without saying goodbye. That was years ago, but it felt like today. That happens from time to time, I see you in stranger’s faces.

Every day reminds me of yesterday.

I was walking down a dirt road one day, and saw a home tucked back between trees. I could hear children playing as they climbed the branches. I was in some country, described in a different tongue, with neighbors I had yet to meet. I walked up the drive way to see the front door, and I saw my mother standing there. I felt a shock of pain in my chest, and I felt fear. But more so I felt sadness. Just as I always had as a child. But it was not my mother, it was not my home. Just a different version of it, from a different perspective. But I could feel the darkness that dwelled there. I felt anxious to move forward. But I also felt sadness for not knowing the woman that stood in that doorway. She reminded me of a mother I wish I had of gotten to know better when there was still time. But that woman was not my mother, and my mother’s time had run out by then. Sometimes I see her in other people’s movements, in their characteristics. I see different versions of her at different ages. And I wander what she was like when she was my age. What she was like when she was happy. And I miss memories that I never got to have with her.

Every day reminds me of yesterday.

I saw a woman in a cafe the other day. She had my best friend’s smile. She said hello to me, and I said hello back. She seemed so familiar, I wanted to hug her, and tell her my stories, and sit with her like my friend and I once did. But she was just being polite, and my eyes were just finding similarities in the curves, and shallows of her face. She did not recognize me. I wish she was you though. I wish she were my friend. Because sometimes in places far from home, I miss you, I miss you all. But I find you again in other’s…… and they make me smile, and laugh, and remember why I loved you all so much in the first place. And they bring back memories that can never die, because they live on in world’s away from world’s in other people’s eyes.

Everyday reminds me of yesterday.

What it is that I mean to say, is that I find things in today that remind me of yesterday. I think that I do this because the past is just a collection of beautifully lived lives. And if I let it go, if I move on to tomorrow, I can’t keep yesterday. But you all …are part of my yesterday. And no matter the pain, the beauty, or the lost possibilities or beautiful ventures that we may have had…..I want to keep it all. I want to keep all the broken pieces, and the shiny ones alike. Like a gypsy with her wooden suitcase full of polaroids of older times, I keep your faces with me. And I find them when I need to. And they remind me of the lovely pain, and lovely love that we all once had. They remind me what it feels like to be human. What it feels like to exist to others. What it feels liked to have lived, and to have survived. To belong to others’ memories, for other’s to live within mine. Life can be infinite. And it never dies if I carry it around with me in that old wooden suitcase.

Everyday reminds me of yesterday.

————————————–

Just yesterday I lived a thousand lives.

I walked a thousand paths.

And I smiled a thousand smiles.

I loved many of you more than my heart could handle.

And some of you broke me.

Some of you, I may have broken.

And I am sorry for the ones that I have broken.

And I forgive the ones that have broken me.

But……

There is no lost love.

No lost face.

No lost memory.

I want to keep it all close by in my small wooden suitcase.

Because….

Everyday reminds me of yesterday.img_4514.jpg

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