Day #3: 500 word a day challenge
My i-phone note pad is full of unanswered questions, sleepy dream like audio clips, photos of far away places, and unseen film and photo projects . I am 32 now. I am not sure when that happened. I remember just yesterday, I was 16, working on my photo composition project for Mr. White’s photography 101 class.
Now, here I am sitting in a chair in New Zealand, in a frumpy black hoody writing about something I did as a teenager. I realize lately I sound a lot like my grandmother did when she used to try and give me words of wisdom.
Talking to my younger friends about, “well when I was your age,” and “Do not worry about it now, with time all will reveal itself.” It’s like I am an outside observer of my own life, watching this other version of myself age in a world that speeds us along in order to make room for new versions.
But I like the girl that I see. I fear for her at times because I do not think she is always understood, and I know personally that she is overly emotional, and the world effects her more than she likes to admit. I know that she wants to be strong, and the world sees her as so, but on a deeper level the ones that love her most know that she is easy to break.
I keep finding that 16 year old version of myself in others. That girl looking to make a difference, looking to be understood, looking for actual love weather it’s in relationships, family affairs or friendships.
I understand that I fall apart easily as well, as her. But I always come back a bit stronger. Falling apart used to scare me, it used to make me feel weak. But I realize more and more with time that falling apart is just part of adapting. There is no beauty in an artist’s clay if it will not mold it into what he envisions in his imagination.
So I do my best to allow the world to mold me. I watch it closely every day. I watch the small things, as much as the large things. I cry sometimes at things that most people would find silly, and I laugh some times at things that most people would find sad. And I try to sort the world out. I try to find my own peace with it.
I take a lot of walks. Too many really. If that is even possible, and I try to bring new friends, and familiar friends along with me. And I like to ask questions, because I like to hear responses. I like to find out what the other young girls and boys, in a sense, are thinking about the world. I like to observe what they observe. I like to hear what they have to say about their loved ones, and the world around them, and all the other small things too.
And I know at the end of the day, that my life is short. So I treat it as an experiment. I am a student. I read, I write, I create, and I walk about the woods to take it all in. I try to not be so attached to time, as I know it is slipping away. I think more about death than anyone else that I know. And some of my friends think that that is dark. But I do not think so. I like to talk about the dark things. They are part of life as well. And I think about death more so, because I really want to sort some things out before I go. I am just not ready….yet.
I haven’t come up with any conclusions yet. And honestly I feel like I am trying to “unlearn” a lot of what was told to me as a child. I feel like I was lied to a lot back then, not just by my “parents” but by my community, by my government, by our society. And it wasn’t out of malevolence, it was out of miseducation. So as I learn, and “unlearn” in unison things come up. Those ah’ ha moments. And those moments are the best.
So I am holding on strong, and appreciating those conversations, the long walks, the books, the ideas, and mostly the expereinces…..and of course those Ah’ha moments.