Conversations With Self.

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I wake with the sun most days. I walk to the bathroom with hair falling around my face, and eyes still squinting against the beginning of a new 24 hour cycle. I walk to the sink and turn the faucet on, and as the cool water drips down I pool the drops of water into my palms and splash them collectively onto my face. As I look up at my reflection in the mirror…. I sometimes decide who it is that I will be that day. If I will be strong, or soft, or opinionated, or passive. I decide in that moment how the day will shape me.

But today I decided that just for the space that I held there in that breath, I wanted to drop the masks that I was wearing. Such a heavy reaction to a reflection, but it felt like a heavy kind of day….for no reason at all, other than the fact that it was a Thursday.

I stood there feeling frozen in a moment, but conscious of my breath as it slipped in and out of my nasal passages.  I felt life course through me, but stood there dumbfounded at a reflection of someone I knew so well, but sometimes not at all.

I wanted to let go of any delusions. I wanted to truly see what the world had molded me into, I wanted to know how I had been effected by what I had seen and experienced. I wanted to wash the projections from my skin, and see the truth laid out bare.

I did not want to stare back at some image I had created and projected onto a community of other similarly cast projections. I wanted to honor the imperfections that so clearly outlined the skin I wore today, but also inwardly honor the real fluidity of life that coursed through my skin. No one participates in human life, without heinous scars, why was I trying so hard to bury them?  I wanted to honor the struggles and the breakdowns, and also celebrate the triumphs and breakthroughs. Without the former, the latter was never as sweet.

I wanted to possess the courage to look at myself in the eyes and say, “Hey!!! …… you have been an ABSOLUTE fucking mess in moments, and you have broken a lot of things throughout your journey. You are not kidding anyone, not even yourself, you did not get here in full stride, you crawled to get to where you are standing now. You are one tough cookie, and you wear the story of those struggles in your eyes. You won’t tell a pretty tale of clean paths, and rational choices because that is not the story you have come here to create, so stop trying to lace your words together with pink ribbon. ” I continued to stare at myself, very alert to what I was hearing my thoughts yell out to me, they continued to keep my attention.

 “You need to chill the fuck out and stop getting hung up on what you cannot control. You will never be the beautiful people that NEVER were. The type of beauty you think you have always wanted, does not exist. You do not believe in unicorns right? Then why the hell are  you trying to look like one? Why is everyone in your generation so caught up on creation’s casings? You have all become so obsessed with the way you look on the outside, that so many of you have grown rotten within.”

“Stop beating yourself up for expressing your emotions. Yeah you are a little crazy, so what? Everyone else is as well, and all those pink, purple, white, yellow and gray pills they are swallowing down for dollars and dimes mean nothing when they are just left with an empty gut, and an even more empty imagination. I know that sometimes you cry for no reason at all, except for the fact that maybe it is raining outside, or the day is grey. And on those days for some reason you are feeling melancholy. Just except the state you are in when you are in it, because it will pass …..as it always does. You know this. Stop trying to build yourself into some machine that you are not. Go ahead and feel everything, let the world effect you, let experience effect you, and find a way to create from it. Find inspiration in madness, do not waste it. Those moments are raw, they are real, and when you feel the most vulnerable….those….. will be your most beautiful moments. “

“Tell the world a beautiful story from it, do not just sit in a corner and pity yourself, and for fucks sake ……stop analyzing everything. Reason does not always triumph. You are overthinking…..and that helps no one. Stop driving yourself crazy. Breath. Go out and tell your story, so that SOMEONE else may have the courage to tell THEIRS. It is not always about you, listen for once. Be the shoulder.”

“Be free, be raw, make mistakes but learn from them.”

I was still standing there staring back into the mirror….I could hear her thoughts….I mean my thoughts….I guess. Either way I could hear her yelling at me through my eyes…..

“Do not be careless, but do CARE LESS about anything that is not REAL, and that is not full of life. See the impossible, dream big, bigger than all those idiotic ads that modern day society has created. ‘Just do it’, ‘Be a Champion’, ‘Be a Hero’, ‘You have wings’……fly free.”

“You have the knowledge within you of all that is creation. You are creation itself wrapped in skin, veins, fibers and rhythm. Stop acting like you are just some human animal here to eat, breath and die. You have been given a rare opportunity that MAY I remind you, you had to fucking fight for, and you know it. Girl, you almost didn’t make it here. In this age, many of us are not given the opportunity. Many of us are created ……but then denied the access to ever breath our first breath of this earthly air. But not you little one……you made it. You got out. You survived. You are here, standing here staring into a reflective piece of glass having a conversation with self. What the fuck are you doing? Why are you wasting time. Stop taking things for granted.”

“You EXIST, and now that you do, do not CEASE to. Stop acting small just because you are watching the rest of the world fall in line. This is it, you get one shot, and then it is someone else’s turn to breath when you no longer can. So are you going to be a soldier, or are you going to be a fighter? One is not the other. Someone else will fight for that breath you breathe and when you can no longer take up arms….beware. Do not give up your spot in line for this experience.”

“You are going to leave behind YOUR story, you are not going to live one that was SPOON fed to you by a group of people that do not even have the imagination to write a preface to a fictional children’s fable. I know you are scared sometimes ….and you think that you are too far outside the box, but believe me….it is much much much more dark and boring within the box. Run as fast as you can girl, you do not have enough time to stand here talking to YOURSELF about being YOURSELF.”

So I stood there motionless, but with a world of eMotion running through me. I began to feel much lighter, and I began to see myself for MYSELF. And I ran away, I ran as fast as I could…..and I did not stop until my legs began to shake and my lungs could no longer inflate. Gasping for breath. I reminded myself.

. Breath in…….. Breath out……. Breath in……… Breath out…….Breath in.

Repeat.

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