There is something stirring deep inside. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but it is worth exploring a bit more. I do not always have the time and intention to go into that space to shed light, but the moments in the day that light finds its way into that darkness…..something is uncovered. Like words from a unread book sitting aside my bedroom table, the knowledge is always there between the folds…..but the words are not released until my eyes set upon their light. I think at some point I have to turn the light on, I have to answer the questions that my soul seeks, I have to dive in. But I also believe light brings truth that is not always so easy to accept. Some truths, although instinctually known to an individual and the whole, are seen as half truths in order to so cautiously hold onto our precious false truths. Time is moving past me in large sweeps, I can see the days wash away so carelessly through a lens in my mind. I keep trying to take the batteries from the back of the clock, but someone keeps replacing them. I cannot stop time, and time will not wait for me. There are some things in the human experience that no individual, no matter how strong their will is, can manipulate. And why should we? I am only learning more, as I hold on more tightly, but I am not meant to hold onto a wave. It makes no sense to hold onto something that has no shape. I am water, I am fluid, I am connected to all that moves and all that dissipates. I am realizing my organic nature more and more so, and with that realization comes a beautiful vulnerability. I am not naive enough anymore to deceive myself of truth. So many things that used to cause pain in my mental body, make sense now. The yearning and desire that was somewhere deep within me fought it’s way out into the world on a quest of truth. And with that quest, and with that uncovering demeanor it brought back answers to me that I never knew I desired to know. But after knowing something, you cannot un-know it.
I do believe a reality of uncovering truths, is that there is always much more to the story. You never find it all in one wave. Things begin to flow forward, and and there is a surgence of story telling that is unwound. Once you begin on the journey, you have to understand that the wave will take you further than your limits once thought you could travel. And once you are delivered there, you cannot go back. You can try to tread the waters, but you will always end up further ahead than you began. It is not a journey for the weary, but it is a journey necessary for seeing the possibilities of a matrix so complex, yet so simple. Things will begin to fall in place, complexities will lighten, and your breath will always land you back in your body when you feel taken away by the experience.
As always the journey will be emotional, and you will feel weak, torn and broken at times. But know that you are just moving through the motions, embrace it, let it flow through you and become you. You already hold truth inside, let it shine from you and forward.
The one truth I do know now is that it is very hard to pretend to be something that you are not. It is also difficult to try and emulate things that you are not meant to be. And I do know that I am more than my flesh and bone, and I am less than a perceived individual path. All that I do effects the whole, and I am not singular. I never was. My ego is a false identity, and if I so choose to keep pushing forward believing in it’s existence then I am deceiving my true essence.